Published Writing


McSweeneys

What To Do If Your Favorite Indie Band Goes Mainstream

21 Common Phrases Shakespeare Invented

Before We Give This Big Corporate Presentation, I Need You to Smack Me in the Dick


Funny or Die

ACLU: “Please Don’t Send Us Any More Oversized Novelty Checks”

12 Unbelievable Facts You Didn’t Know About the New York Yankees

8 Reasons Why The New Kid At School Is Definitely An Undercover Cop

This Gamer Discovered He Can Still Jerk Off to Lara Croft’s Triangle Boobs From Tomb Raider If Nothing Else is Available

Unacceptable: Nasa Doesn’t Have A Plan If Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson Becomes Too Strong And Must Be Hurled Into The Sun

10 Reasons Why “Star Wars: The Last Jedi” Angered Fans Everywhere


Above Average

What Do You Mean Billy Joel Doesn’t Live in Madison Square Garden?!

Dad: “Just Because I’m Sunburnt Doesn’t Mean You Can Call Me Your Little Lobster Boy”

I Know I’m A Rich Kid, But I Refuse to Use Dirty Tricks To Win The Big Camp Sack Race

Cool It, Hog Daddy! Ride Your Motor Scooter In Someone Else’s Cul-de-Sac!

I Know What It Looks Like, But I WASN’T Sniffing the Balance Beam

Rome Wasn’t Built In A Day, Nor Was My IKEA Bed (headline)

Donald Trump Uses Jeb Bush as Human Chair Throughout Debate (headline)


College Humor

8 Types of Girls You Will Try to Date in College


Points in Case

Please Donate to My Kickstarter So I Can Buy a Hot Tub

Why I Won’t Let My Son Sign Up For Pee-Wee Football

Things To Do In Philadelphia That Don’t Involve Beating My Ass With A Big Hammer

Due To An Oddly Popular Demand, I Present 8 More Ways To Kiss Your Parents On The Lips

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