Published Writing


What To Do If Your Favorite Indie Band Goes Mainstream

21 Common Phrases Shakespeare Invented

Before We Give This Big Corporate Presentation, I Need You to Smack Me in the Dick

Funny or Die

ACLU: “Please Don’t Send Us Any More Oversized Novelty Checks”

12 Unbelievable Facts You Didn’t Know About the New York Yankees

8 Reasons Why The New Kid At School Is Definitely An Undercover Cop

This Gamer Discovered He Can Still Jerk Off to Lara Croft’s Triangle Boobs From Tomb Raider If Nothing Else is Available

Unacceptable: Nasa Doesn’t Have A Plan If Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson Becomes Too Strong And Must Be Hurled Into The Sun

10 Reasons Why “Star Wars: The Last Jedi” Angered Fans Everywhere

Above Average

What Do You Mean Billy Joel Doesn’t Live in Madison Square Garden?!

Dad: “Just Because I’m Sunburnt Doesn’t Mean You Can Call Me Your Little Lobster Boy”

I Know I’m A Rich Kid, But I Refuse to Use Dirty Tricks To Win The Big Camp Sack Race

Cool It, Hog Daddy! Ride Your Motor Scooter In Someone Else’s Cul-de-Sac!

I Know What It Looks Like, But I WASN’T Sniffing the Balance Beam

Rome Wasn’t Built In A Day, Nor Was My IKEA Bed (headline)

Donald Trump Uses Jeb Bush as Human Chair Throughout Debate (headline)

College Humor

8 Types of Girls You Will Try to Date in College

Neutrons /Protons

It’s Not A Sex Thing, I Just Think It Would Be Fun To Be A Dog

Janice Mag

Nobody Showed Up to My Mexican Standoff

I’m Not a Ghost Dad, I’m Just a Normal Ghost Who Happens to be a Dad

Please Give Me Back My Son, But Keep My Other Son if You Want

The Higgs Weldon

Constructive Feedback for My Kidnappers

7 Unspeakable Acts Your Favorite Muppets Committed that Prove Even the Most Pure of Heart Cannot Avoid the Temptation of Sin

Are You Doing Okay? Because Your Houseplant is Dying

5 People You Will Meet in Film School


High School Nerds Prove They’re Totally Getting Laid in Parallel Universes

Man Lucid Dreaming Still Too Self-Conscious to Act Out Deepest Desires

Points in Case

Please Donate to My Kickstarter So I Can Buy a Hot Tub

Why I Won’t Let My Son Sign Up For Pee-Wee Football

Things To Do In Philadelphia That Don’t Involve Beating My Ass With A Big Hammer

Due To An Oddly Popular Demand, I Present 8 More Ways To Kiss Your Parents On The Lips

Wooder Cooler

I Wrote Sequels to Rick Moranis Movies Because I Want Him to Start Acting Again